How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
