my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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