I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just gargled with NyQuil
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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