We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
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I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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