My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
