i just sent this text using only my big toe
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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