sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
