i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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