I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
