Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
foreskin is a definite game changer
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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