He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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