if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
