I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
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He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
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I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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