Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
