She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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