It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
