I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
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I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
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He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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