i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
pray to the hookup gods
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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