i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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