Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Randomize
