I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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