my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
