We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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