bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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