I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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