My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
