Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize