Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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