my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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