Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
