This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
