I'm really into asian looking animals
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I met the friendliest cop last night
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
