dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
