Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
