i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
