I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok