I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
