he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
