i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
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So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
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I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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