i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
There are leaves in my underwear?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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