btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
