You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I look better un-naked...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
