They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
