dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
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