Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
