I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
