I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Lo siento on account of my penis...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
