all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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