ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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