even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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