you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
