I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
