seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
