Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
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I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
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Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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